The Dominatrix



Killpussy describes herself as a “sexy, strong, highly skilled, wrestler and a dominatrix”. She is originally from New Zealand and now lives in the UK where one of her specialisms is ‘lift and carry’, a fetish in which someone is lifted up carried around. She also has an alter ego as a performance artist.

Killpussy: Lift and carry is one of the main things that people come and see me for. People come from all over the world to see me which I find a little bit funny because it’s like, “Surely you must be able to find someone that can pick you up?” and then the other side of the coin is that they probably don’t quite understand what’s behind it. On the surface it’s just lifting someone up and being a bit playful, underneath it is a whole dialogue you know of care and nurturing.

Hamish MacPherson: So is that why there are not many people that do it or maybe not many people that do it well?

K: Maybe. I think a bit of both. Also some of the guys are 120 kilos so there’s definitely not many girls that can do that. And also there’s a big difference between lifting someone up kind of like “Eeuuggggh” [straining sound] and lifting someone up ‘bomp’ [sound of something quick] easily because I think that’s a really big part of it as well you know. It’s like “You’re so little and small and so easy and I can just pick you up” and it’s kind of overpowering and overwhelming to them but it’s recreating that child-like playfulness. I know that the guys do get a kick sexually but I really believe that it’s much more of a child playfulness and a nurturing sort of a feeling because one of the main....Every guy has a different lift that he likes. Some like piggy-back, some like this, some like that, but a lot of guys like the cradle which is when you have them in your arms. And if you rock them it’s very much like a child and I think it immediately puts you back in that place because when I do it the guys are like “Yeah, yeah, yeah” and then they just go “Euuhhhhh” [sound of releasing tension] like that and they just completely come into me and then I just rock them and it’s an incredibly peaceful place for them to be. And I think it’s rejuvenative, restorative.

HM: Can you see a difference then afterwards?

K: Absolutely. But I see that with all my clients, regardless of what I’m doing, even if I’m beating the crap out of them and weeing on them and all sorts of carry on. It’s because it’s a release, it allows them to be themselves in a safe environment with someone who’s not going to judge them. And I’m a colossal pervert so I’m not worried about what they’re into. There’s a lot of taboo stuff around that thing and a lot of shame. A lot of people feel a lot of shame about what their little kinks are and stuff.

HM: Do people come knowing what they want?

K: A lot of guys have been searching for someone like me. Either they’ve done quite a lot of it or they’ve never done it and they come to me because they’ve done their research. Because I have quite a loud online presence and because you can see how I am. I’m pretty sweet as [1]

HM: Yeah you are.

K: [I’m] relaxed and nice so people they feel an ease with me immediately and I think some of that’s being a New Zealander but some of it’s just that I like people and it shows. And I want to deliver that fix. I like getting people off however they get off, y’know it’s not necessarily sexually. I also like making people laugh, it’s all of those kind of things.

HM: What are the kind of reasons people come to you for lift and carry? Do they always say?

K: No and it’s one of those situations where I don’t often ask because if they want to offer reasons then that’s fine, but I just need to be a little bit careful about asking questions because you don’t want to get into the position where they might potentially feel like you could be interrogating them or maybe looking at them like “Well why’s he into this?” And my answer to that is “Why do you need to have a reason? You don’t”. I think that we all analyse ourselves so much that it gets in the way of doing things. You know you spend your whole life being afraid to do something when you could have just fucking done it 10 years ago, realised it wasn’t actually that hard and you’ve put twenty years of stress on your heart and your body which is no good.

But what a lot of what guys say is about the feeling of being small. Although men and women are equal, physically they’re not. So men very, very seldom get to have a lover or someone bigger than them pull them into their arms and to nurture them. When you’re a girl you often, if you’re a sexual woman, you often have male lovers who are physically bigger than you so when they pull you into their arms to cuddle you it feels very protective and very safe. So guys don’t really get that and I think that’s part of it as well. It’s not such much about feeling small, it’s more just feeling protected and looked after and really loved you know? It’s pretty interesting. Psychologists would have a lot to say about some of the stuff I do. But I find it really, really interesting.

HM: Is it only men?

K: Yeah. The porn industry or the sex work industry is very, very male only. Women want to do it but they’ve had too much training to say that they can’t really do that. Y’know all the classics, women aren’t allowed to be sluts, women aren’t allowed to want to have sex just for the hell of having sex, they have to have an emotional involvement, which is just pathetic. But also the same kind of thing goes for guys. Like guys aren’t necessarily allowed to have a relationship where something emotional is involved. The stigma is there on both sides. And it is all the really cliched bullshit but unfortunately it’s really rife. Y’know that’s why I have a job! Because guys aren’t allowed to have big dominant girlfriends especially girls that are physically bigger than them. But yay, thank god because otherwise I’d be out of a job!

HM: How did you get into lift and carry?

K: I worked as a session wrestler and a dominatrix. And it’s a big deal in that world of kinky wrestling. So as soon as I was made aware of it I was shown the ropes a little bit by the wrestling boss, the lady who was getting the work. It just went crazy because I’m really strong and can lift guys that a lot of other girls can’t so it just started from there really. In the ‘lift and carry community’ - for which...thank god for the internet! - just word spread that I was good and got it a little bit more than others. I think there’s a lot of girls that do it that potentially just don’t quite get it and so it might potentially leave the guys a little bit cold.

HM: You said [before I started recording] that you started twenty years ago. The internet was there but it was very different from how it is now.

K: Yeah it was very rare back then. I was getting asked for it every now and then but I...not enough for me to clock it as a thing. Also I was in a different place mentally as well so I wasn’t paying attention, shall we just put it that way? But when I came to England I was spotted by a wrestling talent scout and then I was really made aware of lift and carry and that’s when it really really took off. That was about ten, fifteen years ago. Before that it was just every now and again and it was in a domination setting as opposed to a wrestling setting. A slightly different kind of thing.

HM: Is there a typical session? Can you describe what happens in a session?

K: Well you can’t carry someone for a whole hour, that’s not going to work. So some guys want several different lifts so you’ll go through each of the lifts that you can do. The whole idea is to keep them in the lift for as long as possible because that’s your ‘gold ticket’ I guess you could say. The longer you can do it the more cool you are, kinda thing. And you just go through the lifts one by one. Obviously you have to have breaks in between and 99 per cent of the guys are really....I think they think they’re a lot heavier than what they actually are because they think they’re only going to get three or four lifts so when they get more than that they’re completely buzzed out. And sometimes that’s quite funny because you’re looking at them and you’re like “Yeah, but babe you’re 50 kilos” do you know what I mean? It’s like “Honey I lift more than that...seriously? Look in the mirror!”

HM: What’s that about? They think they’re bigger and stronger or you’re not as strong?  

K: They think 50 kilos is a lot but 50 kilos is very light for a guy. But like...60...63 kilos...56 kilos I’ve had and that’s very, very fucking light for a person. That’s kind of like they turn sideways and you’re like “Oh my god where have you gone?!” So I think they think they’re 100 kilos which they’re just not.

Then you have the other guys that have had lots of experience with lift and carry and they know what lifts they want and they only want one type of lift or a couple of types of lift. It’s quite rare to get a session where there’s some sort of roleplay involved. Which I would have thought would have been typical. I’m amazed I haven’t been asked to be someone’s mother and do that kind of stuff or even role reversal like “Come to me my darling!” and pulling you up into my arms and sort of taking what would potentially be considered the more masculine role. But for some reason it really is just the lifting which I find a bit...not weird but it’s just...one of the wonderful things about what I do is it’s just full of surprises.

HM: Is there any like ‘low level’ performance, like do you have to wear a certain thing or is there a setting that you have to provide?

K: It’s predominantly done in a wrestling genre so it’s swimwear like wrestling wear -  yeah the truth is much stranger than fiction. So we’re talking bikinis, we’re talking Lycra one piece swim suits that kind of thing. Very occasionally I’ll get asked to wear lingerie and I’ll wear lingerie no trouble. But it’s actually quite rare, it’s more what’s perceived as sporty stuff. I mean what is the difference between a bikini and some lingerie? For me it’s the same. It’s covering the same amount of my boobs. Yeah, it’s more in the test-of-strength genre.

HM: Do they wear appropriate sporty attire?

K: They normally just wear knickers, boxers things like that. In that kind of genre the guys are not naked. I would offer it for guys naked but obviously there’s only certain lifts I would do plus the chance of them coming on you would be very, very high which is fine in some areas, not so fine in other areas. A little bit gross; I have to charge accordingly for that. But at the end of the day that sort of stuff doesn’t really phase me. I just see it as a natural bodily function. If anything it’s a compliment and it is quite common for guys even if they’re wearing pants to orgasm because it’s often something that they’ve fantasised a lot about, potentially for years. So you know what it’s like when you fantasise about something and then it happens and you come real fast because it’s all this pressure, you’ve been fantasising about it for years. It all comes out.

HM: Do you acknowledge that?

K: Again it’s a little bit of a tricky area because some guys are a bit embarrassed so you don’t want to draw attention to it and other guys are quite open about it right from the beginning you know “I just want you to know there’s a chance I’m going to orgasm” [and I’m like] you know “Yeah fine no problem”. And there other guys, you know they’ve got a hard on and they’re getting quite excited so you put in an appropriate lift so if something happens you’re not going to get splattered.

H: What are the different kinds of lifts? You mentioned piggy-back and cradle...

K: Crotch lift, fireman’s lift....And with the piggy-back you can do it the other way round so from the front and you can also do it on the hips like a child again. And then some of the lifts are on the floor too; you have your feet here pushing them up. I call that the flying angel.

HM: It’s a bit like acrobatics.

K: Yeah a little bit. Loads of crotch lifts, so that’s when your arms go through their legs and you can either lift them up or you can lift them up and put them over your shoulder. Lots of variations on the fireman’s lift. So fireman’s lift where they’re just going over your shoulder, fireman’s lift where they go across here [the back of the neck]. The back breaker which is basically a fireman’s lift but looking the other way, so they’re looking up.

HM: What was the one that you said [in an email] that people find really impressive? Or isn’t as hard as...

K: Shoulder rides. That’s when they’ve got their legs over here and up there [indicates straddling the neck].

HM: And how do you learn all these?

K: I’ve always been quite strong naturally. I’m not being funny but the Kiwi girls are a little bit more rough and tumble. We were always doing shit like that when we were kids, it’s not a big deal. My brother and I used to break into houses when I was a kid so I always used to have him on my shoulders to push him up through the window. Yeah we were really lovely children!

HM: Is there a technique or a secret to lifting?

K: I think ‘lead’ in my bones. So when my bones connect I think of it as machinery. When I’m lifting someone up I often think like I’m a crane. I find that the visualisation really helps. And also steel. So when you’re up and you’re standing it’s like locking everything in so you’re a big crane up in the sky and you can’t get blown over by a bit of wind.

HM: And is there a technique to being lifted?

K: For the guys?

HM: Yeah.

K: They do need to take a little jump sometimes. It just makes things a little easier. Some of them don’t want to do that because they want to see entirely your strength but say for a piggy-back you can’t just drape yourself onto someone, you actually have to jump up on them.

HM: And how active do they need to be? It’s really hard to carry someone or lift someone that’s totally floppy.

K: Yeah they are totally floppy. As long as they’ve got that initial little jump and I can get them up there that’s fine. If they’re in a piggy-back obviously they’ve got to hold on and if they are on a shoulder ride they need to lock their legs behind my back to stabilise themselves. If they’re in a cradle they’re like [demonstrates a floppy position]. If they’re in a front piggy-back again they usually have got their head over here [on one shoulder] and they’re really relaxed and their legs are around me helping to support themselves. So it’s actively passive you could say.

HM: One of the things I’ve been looking at in my own studio work [1][2] is ‘What does passive mean?’ It can be totally floppy for example or you could say I’m being passive now [sat still] but I’m holding myself up, so there’s degrees...

K: Absolutely and I would still consider that [front piggy-back] passive because it’s a nurturing position.

HM: Are there ever people you can’t lift off the ground? Can you imagine what you’d do in that situation?

K: It wouldn’t come to that because I find out people’s weight before I see them and if they are a ‘ten-ton Tessa’ I am very clear with them that I might not be able to lift them and if I can lift them I don’t know for how long and that I’m willing to give it a go but if it doesn’t happen “NO REFUND!” With the really really heavy guys there isn’t a hell a lot of lifts I can do. Piggyback’s quite easy to do but the cradle one is one of the hardest ones. So as long as you’re honest. I wouldn’t take someone that was over 100 kilos even though I can lift more because I don’t think that you could really deliver a good enough session. But I have done it in the past and people have been really amazed. But as a standard rule I don’t accept anyone over 100 kilos. If someone messages me and says “Hey I know you might not be able to do this but I still want to give it a go” or “I’ve heard that you can do this”....Basically if they understand that I can only try and I can’t guarantee anything then yeah, I am happy to give it a go without putting myself in physical danger. I did a lift and carry session with a strictly Orthodox Jewish person which was really unusual because they were wearing a full traditional suit and because we met at night in an alleyway and I couldn’t tell he was Orthodox. He only liked shoulder rides and afterwards I had to go and see the osteopath three times. I was a bit younger and a bit gung-ho and you know that’s what happens. I hurt my back, not terribly but enough for me to go “OK I need to think about this a little bit more realistically”.

HM: How do you look after yourself? Obviously weight training is a big part of it.

K: Yeah I do strong-woman training, really big weights. I’m training for a competition next year. Before that I’ve always done gym stuff but the honest truth is I’ve always been fucking strong and it does run in my family as well. My brother’s weirdly strong and my dad’s weirdly strong so applying yourself to what your natural talent is works quite well. And it’s one of those annoying things as well where I just look at weights and my body goes “KA-PING!” [as if magically putting on muscle]. I can’t run to save my life and I can’t diet but that is one of the things I can do really successfully. Also I’ve got really good muscle memory from working out for many, many years. Because I’m a big girl I come either really ripped or really chubby; those are my options. I’m never going to be a ballerina, I’m never going to be a catwalk model so my options are really ripped or really overweight so I try to go for ripped.


HM: Do you make a connection between your performance and your lift and carry work?

K: On a really surface level sometimes just trying to really keep yourself from laughing is quite hard and I think that is where the performance training comes in. Especially when I was doing comedy; you know when you’re doing comedy and everyone laughs it’s your natural reaction to laugh yourself so learning not to do that is really important. A good example of that is I had a client that used to like only shoulder rides (again) and used to play a ukulele while he was on my shoulders and I shit you not the entire time the theme of Benny Hill [Yakety Sax] was in my head. So just keeping a straight face and being “Yes we can do that”...and also he only played World War Two songs so he was singing things like “It’s a long way to Tipperary” and honestly I was pissing myself so I had to cope and keep that together.

But it works the other way more, because I use a lot of lift and carry in my performances. I can utilise the lifts for other things plus again it’s that whole making yourself bigger, having more dimensions and just that bit where the audience is [gasp!] “Wow! Oh she can’t do it.. oh my god she can!” You know it’s like a magic trick, how many people can you lift at the same time and it also goes back to vaudeville and strong woman, freak show kind of circus stuff. Which is kind of fun. And because it is a strength and it is a skilI I do try to put in everything I perform because obviously you use what you’ve got. Run it!

And I’m still finding new lifts. Every now and then someone will say “I’d like this lift” and I’m like “What’s this lift?” and you look it up on the internet and there’s a whole world and you’re like “Wow!” Again one of the lovely things about what I do is it’s just full of surprises. You’ll never get to a point where you know it all because everything’s evolving isn’t it? I like that. I like knowing I’ll never know everything. It gives me a sense of joy really. It’s like the wonder of the universe really, you know?

HM: Yeah, I can’t wait for the future to abandon all the things I think I know now.

K: It won’t be too far down the line before people are saying “...and they had cancer! Ha, ha, ha” On that kind of level, “...they use to try those car things”. Y’know I Iove all that.

HM: Yeah there’s a Simon Amstell routine like that where he says things like “Do you remember when we used to eat animals?!”

K: Yeah, yeah.

HM: So you make performance now?

K: Yeah

HM: And what kind of things do you do?

K: I self-fund everything. I do satirical black humour, politically motivated stuff I guess you could say. It’s always got sex in it, it’s always got violence in it and it’s always got bad-arse humour. So it’s all those things wrapped up into one. It’s positive affirmation of violent women basically. Violent, sexual woman. But my main thing is comedy and also I like to haunt people. I like to show something so that people laugh about it and then afterwards they feel uncomfortable because they laughed. You know “I shouldn’t have laughed at that” or “Why did I laugh at that?” so that there’s a deeper message that filters through them, post-show. Sort of deceptively easy watching.

HM: ‘Haunting’, that’s a really lovely word, a lovely aspiration to have; to haunt people.

K: I like things to resonate and to reverberate through them for longer than the show.

HM: Discomfort...

K: Yeah...a little bit of discomfort. I guess it’s more I like to make people think. I think that’s the job of art. I really like making people laugh and a lot of my stuff is very...telling shit the way it is, the things people don’t want to know. The things that people don’t want to say but everybody knows. Said with cutting-edge giggles.

HM: I’d guess that’s something you’ve always been like as well as strong?

K: I’m very matter of fact. Blunt. “As subtle as a Sherman Tank” my dad used to say.

HM: You said in performance you lift multiple people. Do you every do that in sessions?

K: No it’s very rare for two guys to come and see me at the same time. I do make videos of lift and carry to sell on porn sites and I have done a clip with two girls, two small girls. Obviously if you’re going to lift two people it does tend to help if the two girls are small. But yeah it’s good in performance, it’s quite good fun, it gives you another dimension.

HM: Hmmm...I’m not sure about this question. How does it happen in non-professional settings? What do I mean by that?....In our society it happens; there’s a big part of culture, like weddings and corny images of firemen...men lifting women is quite an everyday image...so is it only in this situations where there’s a transaction of money that it happens?

K: Yeah I presume otherwise my guess would be nursing, caregivers. Also, not being funny but when people are drunk. Because you often see people just horsing around but quite often they’ll pick each other up a little bit. But no it’s very rare to see a woman lifting a guy in a non-professional setting.

HM: And will that always be the case?

K: Yeah my boyfriend doesn’t like me lifting him up, he’s a little bit littler than me and it draws his attention to it and even though he tells me he doesn’t have a problem with it it’s obvious that he does. I don’t. Having said that he’s the first boy I’ve dated in twenty years so I’m used to dating women who are all fucking shorter than me so it doesn’t make any difference to me. But it’s been quite interesting seeing that dynamic personally for myself having not been used to living in the heterosexual world for quite a long time. Annoying, really fucking annoying but at the same time I can see where it’s coming from.

HM: We’re a long way from a situation where men would happily be lifted up...

K: Yeah or allow themselves to have that fun that women have. Because it is fun when someone picks you up, it’s great. Especially if you’re really swept of your feet. It only happened to me once because I weigh 86 kilos. It’s quite hard to sweep me off my feet but one time I was seeing someone he was a seven foot two Jamaican dude who used to be in the US Marines so he was fucking huge. And he used to just sweep me off my feet and it was just blissful. You just felt like a little girl, something petite and delicate. And that’s a nice feeling regardless of your gender. That’s why guys like it who come to see me. It’s something that guys desire, that they’re not allowed to.

HM: And also practically there’s not many people that can do that.

K: Yeah totally although women are a lot stronger than people think. Women are stronger than women think as well as men. Because women are always told from day one “Men are always going to be stronger than you”. But then you’ve got a guy here [places hand low to indicate a low level of strength] and a girl here [moves hand higher] but they potentially will be still thinking that. You know I get that a lot when I’m wrestling guys. The guys will come in and they’ll be like “Right little girl, time to put you on the mats” and I’m like “Babe my leg weighs more than you”.

HM: In wrestling sessions do you think they always want to be beaten even though they’re giving that kind of talk?

K: Some guys do want a competitive session and some guys do want to win. I don’t do those sessions because for me, and it’s just a personal opinion, I don’t think it’s keeping with the kink of it. I think that’s more being a little bit abusive toward women and that’s what I’m not interested in it. However it’s a thing and I know other women that are fine to do that. They are all very, very highly trained mainly in Brazilian Ju-Jitsu so they chances of them being physically hurt are very, very small. I am more on the kinky side of it. My strength is strength. I’m a brawn over brains kind of girl. I can’t learn things very quickly. I have to be shown something a hundred times for it to go into my pretty little head. That’s just being a little bit lazy and not interested in paying attention.

HM: When you’re talking about abuse then...Because we live in a society where men beat...hurt women more than women hurt men, you think something that continues that...

K: Yeah I just don’t know why you would want hire a woman to beat her up. To lord over her. And I’d be quite fearful of what that person was up to. That is just a judgement because I’m sure people think that about what I do. I shouldn’t really be thinking that because a lot of people think that what I do is really wrong as well, you know what I mean? Especially the adult baby stuff. It is a bit of a minefield. I’m not interested in doing anything that promotes guys lording over women. Just the same as in domination I wouldn’t let anyone tie me up. No fucking way. I’m the boss. But there are loads of other women that are fine with it, professional submissives and stuff like that.

HM: How do you negotiate the terms or the limits of a session?

K: Basically before I’ve met them I have a really good idea about what they want, what their limits are, what they don’t want to happen. And then just before the session go over everything again kind of out of character if you know what I mean. The main thing is to give them the sense that you are on it, you are friendly. And so it’s quite good fun because the more friendly you can be, then when you go into role and you’re like “Raarrgggh” they’ll be like “Oh god!” and inside they know they’ve got safewords, you know what they won’t allow. Some guys don’t want...one of the main ones is being marked of course. Because they’re married or whatever. And then afterwards as well you have a few minutes to make sure they come back down to earth before they leave. And also, it’s rare but, sometimes stuff can come up. Especially if you’ve been locked in a closet with your kink for years and years. The release can sometimes be quite overwhelming and sometimes people cry. It’s not a sadness it’s just realising all the pent up energy so you’ve got to allow time so that if that happens you can do your job because part of your job is making sure that person is OK when they leave. It’s important because you could potentially really fuck someone up by not being respectful and caring enough.

HM: Do people come back to you often?

K: Yeah. I have lots of regulars but at the end of the day they’re not married to me. If I was hiring hookers, and one day I really hope I have enough money to, I’m probably not going to stick with the same one all the time. So I don’t mind if people do whatever. But I do tend to have long term regulars because I’m easy to talk to. I’m quite good at what I do and I am quite a certain look and a certain kind of girl. And there aren’t many other girls that have that kind of persona. If you wanted to have a model type looking girl, like a really hot busty girl, there’s lots of girls that fulfil that look. But really big, aggressive, tomboy girls, there’s not very many so people do have a tendency to come back to me. Also being a pervert really helps because it’s more than just earning some money. No disrespect to anyone who does it for whatever reason but some girls are just doing it for financial reasons and that’s fine but in their own time they’re not really doing any kink for themselves and I think that if you are a bit kinky yourself it makes your delivery for any session a hell of a lot better because you know how it is from the other side. In my personal life I’m submissive, I’m submissive to my boyfriend. I’ve always been submissive to my lovers in my personal life. Obviously that makes me a much, much better dominatrix in my mind because I understand what it’s like to be on the other side. So I think people that are doing this and are not naturally inclined to that themselves...I think that potentially could be a little hollow.

HM: What do you get out of the sessions?

K: It does fulfil quite a lot of things, it ticks a lot of boxes. It does make me money, so that’s a big tick but more than that it just allows me to not be in the system and not be under government control like the rest of the working force and that is huge for me because I’m a staunch socialist slash anarchist and I reject the system completely. It’s great that I am able to do that and be defiant. I might just be one person but that little act of defiance, I really think is quite big.

I also get a power kick out of it, having that control over someone. Even though I’m caring and understand everything that that means, it still gives me a power hit and makes me feel almighty. Being told you’re gorgeous and desired is fantastic. Everybody needs that more. Nobody is told enough that they are desired and that they’re gorgeous. No one. We don’t tell ourselves that. And that’s nice and it’s nice when you see it in their face. I’ve had it so many times; I’m looking in the mirror, running myself down and then they see me and their eyes go ‘POP!’ And they’re like “Oh my god, you’re so gorgeous!” And you just think to yourself “Why the fuck was I running myself down like that?” Because what they see and what I see are different.

Any excuse to show off how strong I am is great; physically, mentally, any way. Because I am strong, not just physically but my personality’s really strong, mentally I’m quite a strong person. So any way to show that off is great for the ego you know? Never let your ego down!

And then I also get a real kick out of delivering something that gets that person off. Whatever way that gets them off I feel like I’ve done a great service to society and I’ve done great service to that person personally. And I do think it does make people happy on a level that people don’t really understand. If you are hiding in the closet for whatever reason, whether it’s your sexuality, your kink or if you’re a transvestite...or whatever: if you’re keeping that part of you hidden and in a dark place I think it eats away at you and I think it’s very, very bad for you health-wise and metal health-wise. So allowing yourself to do it, even if it is with someone that you pay once every... twice a year, I still think it’s really good for your health. And good for your mental health. Because you can’t be locked up all the time like that. It’s no good.

[pause]

HM: I don’t have any more questions. Are there are things we didn’t talk about?

K: One of the things we haven’t really spoken about is size comparison and that does tie into lift and carry a bit. Especially with the smaller guys. So size comparison is...comparing size obviously. You measure everything so I’ll measure across my hand here and then he’ll measure his and mine’s bigger and then I go “Hahaha! My hand’s bigger than yours! Hahaha! That’s because you’re little!” And then we’ll measure my muscles and again it’s the same: “Hahaha! My muscles are so much bigger than yours. You’re just a little, little boy! Hahaha!” kind of thing. And what follows on from there is lifting them because “I’m so strong and you’re so weak!” So there’s that sort of thing. It’s quite funny. It’s ludicrous.

HM: Do you use a tape measure?

K: Yeah absolutely. And also draw round my hand on a piece of paper then I’ll put their hand on it so that you can sort of physically see. So not just putting your hands up against each other but laying them on top of each other. There’s little sorts of tricks; you just draw it slightly bigger in case....Quite good fun. Quite silly.

HM: Is there an element of humiliation in that?

K: Yeah definitely and there’s also that thing about not being a real man which I think smaller guys really have a sense of. And then they turn it into a kink which I find quite cool. I mean that in itself is an act of defiance. It’s like small penis humiliation. It’s that whole thing “Well if life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. “I’ve got such a tiny cock, I’ve been teased all my life. I know: I’m going to hire a really hot woman to do it.” Brilliant! You know, why not? I just think that’s an act of defiance that possibly a lot of people wouldn’t see it as that.

HM: I’d never thought of that, yeah. So is the size comparison always part of it?

K: No it’s not always but one of the things I do get quite a lot of is size comparison sessions that involve lift and carry. So a lift and carry doesn’t involve size comparison very often but a size comparison session will often involve some lift and carry of that makes sense. Very similar things but just coming from a slightly different direction.

HM: And the people who like wrestling, does that overlap with lift and carry?

K: Yeah I think [wrestling is] just where the lift and carry people found it. And also the wrestling girls are stronger. Quite often the dominatrixes are ‘no touch’ and they won’t touch you so because picking someone up is really really intimate I kind of think that that’s...because a lot of dominatrixes physically won’t touch you. They’ll whip you and they’ll tie you up and all sorts of shenanigans but they won’t physically touch you. That’s where I’m quite different because I do a lot of holding people down and overpowering them using my strength. Because it’s quite different having girls strut around in front of you going “I can overpower you” and then physically being shown that they can. Because in my mind I can pretend that I’m scared of you and I can pretend that you can overpower me but secretly I know you can’t. As opposed to “Oh my god you can overpower me and I am genuinely feeling a little bit of fear”, in a good way because domination is lot about fear, a lot about adrenaline. And getting horny while you’ve got that adrenaline pumping through you impacts the level of arousal.

[we have a toilet break]

HM: I wonder if there’s anything about passivity and activity that resonates with this. We’ve talked a bit about it. I’m thinking through a bit about what those words mean and...Sometimes being passive is a very active position for example...

K: Also within the domination world you offer yourself to me and be passive, basically allowing me to do stuff to you. But the actual act of giving yourself to me and allowing yourself to be passive I think is a really...because you’re consciously aware of it. You’re allowing yourself so I think it is being actively passive. Also I think you have to be a very, very strong person to allow yourself to be weak. And you’ll find that with very dominant people they cannot allow themselves to be passive which I think is wrong. I think you’re in a world of trouble if you can’t allow yourself to do that because how that often translates, especially with quite dominant people is if they need help, they won’t ask for help and then they get themselves into a lot of trouble before they get the help, because they haven’t actually been asking for it. Do you know what I mean?

HM: Yeah...Yeah.

[pause]

HM: Going back a bit, you were talking about resisting and being outside of government control. Is that meaning you’re not having to work in the rat race or is it more about the kind of different kinds of unconventional relations you’re facilitating?

K: It’s about me being able to have the courage to do what I really want to do and not fall into the trap of what the government wants me to do to fit into their system AKA pay tax. I pay tax don’t worry! I mean I’m legally self-employed. I do declare my earnings. Because I have to. But what I mean is that I have not settled for a job that makes me miserable and I think a lot of people have, especially if you’ve got kids and shit like that. Don’t get me wrong I think you have to in those situations. But I haven’t conformed in terms of... You know there’s so much stigma on us. Just for example the fact that I don’t have children and I’m 44 is pretty big. Because there’s so much stigma that I’ve failed as a woman because I haven’t had children. It’s as simple as that. Just not falling into those traps and I’ll tell you when you hit 30 that trap’s real because your hormones are kicking off because your body’s like “Come on mate, you need to have a baby” because that’s the human element of you “I haven’t had a child yet now I’m going to pump you full of things that make you think you want a child”. So that combined with the social pressure of having failed...a lot of women have children at that age because that’s what’s happening. Not necessarily that they want a child or that they’ve thought it through. But I think that’s the same thing with work, I still have a lot of people that know me that are like “When are you going to get a real job?” Well actually I’ve been doing my profession for twenty years now, I’m really good at what I do and I’ve managed it make it successful and to make it work for me, doing what I love and having a really, really fun time. I’ve just started a company called Slamogram which is like strippergrams but wrestlers. And I was just buying the name on the website and I just thought to myself “I love my life!” And then just thinking “How are we going to make this work?” Other people are doing admin for really shitty jobs, and I have to do a lot of admin and admin’s boring, but there’s a big difference between going “Yes I’ve sold 15 units of ‘I kick in your face clip 208’” and 45 units of coffee or whatever you’re selling.

HM: I totally get that. I mean I was a civil servant for like ten years and now I’m here talking to you. This is an amazing life to be living, I’m doing things that I’m interested in.

K: Yeah exactly, also life is an adventure and I have surrendered to having a really great adventure called the rest of my life. That makes me full of excitement about what’s going to happen next. I think when I had straight jobs I could see my future and it was a good future and I could see exactly what was going to happen and there wasn’t much excitement. I could see it and it was a good life but it wasn’t this life. It’s about meeting your true potential as well. I could have done that but I feel I’ve got more to offer to life than that you know. And also realising you can have many professions in your life. You don’t have to have one. One of the sayings that I really like, that my mum used to say to me when I was worried about what am I going to be. And my mum used to say to me “You don’t have to be anything because you already are something.”



[1] Sweet as’ is New Zealand slang meaning really good, awesome, cool etc.

[2] See hamishmacpherson.co.uk/Configurations


December 2017. 

Image courtesy of Killpussy. killpussy.co.uk